As we were spending more than twice as much time working on the frigging raw HTML and XML coding than on actually writing the show, it'll be a big relief. Maybe we'll even post more often! Haha, nawch.

Anywho, without further ado, here we go... Bookmark our new, obnoxiously generic digs at http://appleturns.blogspot.com/

You know, like last time, when the G4 iMacs came out with one friendly SO-DIMM slot and one techs-only Regular-DIMM slot? Super swirlyyy!

Well, we weren't quite right. Through a source known only as "Tinklebell," AtAT2 has obtained an exclusive iChat transcript of Steve Jobs and Phil Schiller hammering out the 24" iMac specs. Take a look:

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Hey man, what if we took our 23 inch monitor and, not just made an iMac, but, like, added another inch! So it's like, uhhh....

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
24 inches!

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Yeah, like three feet.

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
yeah!

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
And what if we, like, added a FireWire 800 port, but...get this...took a 400 port away.

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
so it's, like, balanced!

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Like a see saw!

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Hee hee. Seee saww seee saww seee saww!

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
dude, no seriously, we totally have to, like do something totally awesome

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
like, let people put a 2 GB RAM card in one slot, but only a 1 GB RAM card in the second slot

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Not cool man, that's not symmetrical.

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
Yeah. Exactly.

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
That's brilliant, man! Just brilliant! Gnawsh!

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
crankin the tunz?

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Dude, these speakers blow for the Jerry, man, we need to exactly double the amplifier output.

philshillwwpm1@mac.com:
yeah so we can say it goes to 20, hahahahaha.

h!s$t3v3n3ss@mac.com:
Yeah ROFLMAO.

So obviously there was some major bakeage going on when the specs were finalized. Come on, 3 GB RAM ceiling? This is the kind of crap the PC nerds at school tease us Mac users about. You know, before we stuff 'em in the trash can.

Before we forget, more news! From Apple's secret birthing compound in Namibia, one more stealthy-ass Mac mini upgrade. That said, unlike the last one, this time Apple's actually frigging telling you what they've upgraded. With the new revision, Apple's gone to an all dual-core line-up, thus eliminating single-core computers from it's entire product line, one more nail in the coffin vis-a-vis The Core's relevance to society.

Still, one can't help but hear an otherwise muted enthusiasm for the new Nike wares. Reminds us of the last time something was released in proximity to the iPod nano, the Motorola ROKR.

OH SNAP! NO YOU DI-DN'T!

Sorry, Nike, I'm sure your new shoes are great, but spending $100 bucks on sneakers plus $30 for the iPod nano kit, plus needing an iPod nano, seems a little spendy. [Says the guy who bought a black MacBook -Ed.] Plus, with the sheer nerdiness of the concept of syncing your shoes with your iPod, we think half of these will be used mostly for clocking the workout of a trip to the bathroom and back for more World of Warcraft.

We think the Nike shoes would be rockstar hit if but one new feature was added: a stink sensor. You know, so you could know if your feet smell before you take them off at your date's house or a Japanese restaurant or something? Yes, it is a brilliant idea. Yes, we thought of it first. Not just a hat rack, nope. If only the Nike chumps would return our calls, we'd be set.

In fact, our principal complaint is that it's so damn nice and purty that we can't bring ourselves to use it much away from the desk, let it receive a slight scuff mark, or, heaven forbid, a scratch. Our trusty iBook G4 is still being phased out, but we're talking weeks now, not hours.

As many of you guys know, AtAT2 was launched as an AtAT parody in Jack's absence. If and when Jack comes back, ha ha, we're happy to abdicate the throne. And by throne we mean toilet. Like, one of those low-profile Kohler ones, those are cool. Especially if it was yellow. Hey, then you couldn't tell if it had been...

At any rate, Jack's not back yet, so in the meantime, in the interest of extreme crappiness, we're doing 3 episodes, updated once a week.

Yo, Paulo, your site reminds me of the flung poop on the wall of Steve Ballmer's cage.
Best regards.

The MSFT monkey-boy dig, always a favorite.

JCD writes:

You're a ..., no no, that's not how you start a roasting. Paulo's so..., hmm, too obvious. Well I just can't do it. At first I was going to rip you on that meerkat line, because you like totally dissed the lemur by omission. The I was going to mention how each time I try to read an AtAT2 episode, I end up surfing over to the AtAT reruns and attempt to bring up an old episode: "Sorry, there's no scene with id of -100 in our tape library yet."

Even that is better than what you're selling us. At that point I just sit there and sob to my keyboard. My cubemates seem to have grown accustomed to the crying, of course they're all using Windows 2000, so it's debatable whether or not they have any feelings left anywho...

Ok, looks like JCD got distracted, but I totally had to print this for the brilliant lemur diss part.

freddymac writes:

I see dead 2's. There everywhere. They just don't know there dead 2's.

2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2. Do you see them? 2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2. What am I suppose to do?

2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2. They won't leave me alone. 2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2. Please, someone help me!!!!!!! 2,2,2,2.

I2t's g2e2t2t2i2n2g w2o2rs2e. Pl2ea2se st2o2p th2e ins2an2it2y.

The drugs are wearing off. I'm feeling much better now.

3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3.

Yikes, where did they come from? :-}

Looks like Freddy's learned his lesson about drinking the punch at CARS parties.

And the Golden Crabapple goes to:

Ghurker Bee writes:

Like a Mac TV, your website is truly a triumph of style over substance. Sure, you have little 8.1 looks (maybe 7.6.1 - the best OS, with OT/PPP done right and a low RAM footprint!!!)... but really it comes down to something no better than a ZIP drive. Looks pretty, you can back up --- BUT THEN THE CLICK OF DEATH. Let me ask you this: is Spindler in charge of your content? The only reason why I come back is because I feel that somehow, someday, you'll grow up. You'll quit reading macsurfer, copying the links into links on your page, and just adding a little paragraph that you think up when you're high. Let me tell you something, kids - SNIFFING THERMAL PASTE CAN KILL YOUR BRAIN. I mean, do your advertisers really know how much you suck? How much your "Classic" readers wish that their web browser had a OS 7 multifinder on your page so that they could switch to something MORE INTERESTING???!?!?! Go drown yourself in a macquarium, you dolts!

Haha just kidding. Dvorak's crazy. Had you worried, yes? No? Well anywho, if there's no Jobs video to watch while we prepare ourselves for castration and extra-tangy applesauce, let's see the specs, shall we?

Hrmmm:
13.3" Glossy Widescreen. Gives you your negatives back in the film canister too.

Intel GMA950 Graphics. Well yeah, it's Apple's budget model. Plays Quake II just fine.

Magnetic Latch. Pacemaker-wearers who prefer to breastfeed their baby laptops need not apply.

1.83/2.0GHz Core Duo. Wait, huhWHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?! IS STEVE ON CRACK?! HOLY LIVING CRAP! That's what the iMac has, and that's $200 more! That's what the MacBook Pro has, and that's $700 more! That's it, it's naptime. We must be hallucinating. Heh heh. We thought you said 1.83 and 2.0...WHAT? [Further paragraphs removed for program to run in time alotted. -Ed]

Okay, okay, we're calm. Of course, yes, iMacs and MacBook Pros have nicer graphics and bigger screens and out of control egos that justify their higher price. Justifying a higher price...what a great segue...

Ohhh, yeahhhh. Bow-bow, chick, chicka-chickahhhhhh.

Now defenders of the BlackBook will explain that it's really $200 more than the white MacBook, but you get a totally sweet 20 GB hard drive upgrade, and the fact that the drive is worth only $50 bucks as a CTO upgrade is moot because CTOs take longer to get, plus, the black case absorbs heat better, you know, because it's black? And that means it runs faster because it running cooler Plus, black plastic has to be more expensive, right?

However you moronically rationalize plunking down 150 double cheeseburgers to ThinkPad-ize your MacBook--as we did this morning--is up to you. (We prolly woulda blown it on magnet manufacturing company stock anyway.)

It's not like it's a new thing for Apple to charge for certain colors. Remember the iMac DV Special Edition, where $200 bought a cursory 3 GB of extra storage and just 64 MB of extra RAM? People bought them like the empowered, independent-minded lemmings that they were because they were Graphite. Every year, millions of people plunk down $400 on metallic paint, $250 on stainless steel dishwasher lining, and $10 for a bottle of pomegranate juice. $150 for black? That's hot.™

Apparently we're not the only ones. According to reader reports on the MacRumors forum, it's the black MacBooks that are selling out at Apple Stores, including ones in the entire San Francisco Bay area. Far be it from us to criticize the fashion sense of San Franciscans. We think Apple's played this one right. We'll just now have to wait a little longer this time before ordering our next case of iBoxers.

One morning, Sim walked out of his village into the countryside where corn was growing. He reached out for an ear of corn and peeled off one half. "This corn is mine!" he said. He then returned home and told his friend Steven about the wonderful cornfield. The next morning, Steven walked out of the village to the field, took an ear of corn, and returned to the village. As Steven returned, he began to peel the corn, and half of the corn was peeled, Sim appeared and took the corn. "This corn is mine!" he said.

In case you hadn't heard, Creative Labs has sued Apple for violating its "Zen Patent." Creative is seeking an injunction to stop Apple from selling the iPod and iPod nano in the United States. You know what that means...we're gonna get 60 GB Shuffles! Yay!

In the meantime, we really don't expect much to come of this. As MacNN's in-depth coverage of the Zen Patent explains, Creative Labs basically got away with patenting menus controlled by buttons. If Creative wins, they'd only next try to patent "rotary wheels, suitable for digital locomotion" or "orifice, suitable for digital eating." Owwww, that Creative tatoo on my lip is really gonna hurt.

First result: Darl McBride toilet paper. We, uh, kid, you not. While we're sure many of our readers prefer printed toilet paper to ensure vigorous wiping, we're not so sure about its absorbency.

Fourth result: A classy executive photo captioned: "Scumbag Extraordinaire Darl McBride." That's like a dashing international investigator. You know, one that crashes his Ferrari going 160 on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Fifth Result: Darl with Groucho Marx glasses. Now that's original. Pledge Grab-It original, but still.

That's all. The rest of them are boring. For someone who was only recently dubbed "the most hated man in the computer industry, you're slippin' Darl! I hear there's a company that rhymes with Gleadive Tabs that stole some of your Unix code. Better get on it! Then again, maybe some people won't be so mad about that after all. Oh well.

Unfortunately, those looking for juicy reports of Apple managers smashing a Color LaserWriter or a memo with the word "nincompoop" on it will be disappointed. The bulk of the article is Mr. Knight complaining about how people who call tech support are often stupid and irrational and how Apple wrote some crappy software in the '90s.

NO! WE DON'T BELIEVE IT! ...not the right time? sorry.

What juice did come from the article? Well,

• AppleCare reps put up posters with the slogan: "MEETINGS" - The Practical Alternative to Work.
• The work environment was so casual that one rep wore a bathrobe for several months before giving up because he did not get any attention.
• The AppleCare cafeteria has really started to suck.

Still, we're not faulting Adam here. He makes perfectly clear that his site is more of a giggly crush-diary that's all about him and his experiences, than a bona fide Apple rumor site. The guy apparently got hate mail/death threads/pantsed, because he since posted a FAQ-like clarifications page that reiterates his MO. We say Adam, buddy, take a mental health day, eat some steak, drink some beer, get that pedicure you've put off, you know, indulge. If Adam wants to please the rumor fiends, he'll come back with more Apple expats and, you know, actual gossip.

With the release of Boot Camp, some pundits have questioned the merits of making Mac games at all, since you can just boot into Windows XP and play PC games now. Nevermind, that it's...uh...Windows XP.

Well, have no fear, gamers. As TUAW reports, the Macs-suck-for-games stereotype has just been vaporized with a new Universal-binary game that has been nine years in the making. You guessed it, Quake II.

With real 3D graphics, hardware rendering support, and a killer soundtrack, Quake II will be the latest and greatest in 1997-style Mac game play. Of course, your Intel Mac will need at least 16 MB of RAM and 90 MHz of proceesing power. Base-model Mac mini owners may want to reconsider opening that 7th application before playing.

We're stalling because, well, we're tired and want to go back to bed, curl up with our Buster Baxter blankie and Ovaltine Hot, and think about how Meerkats are really funny. Seriously, they stand up like little people and hold their arms down.

Plus, nothing really interesting happened yesterday. Sure, there was that French Apple DRM thing, so we were gonna use a few clever French phrases and talk about eating cheese in a cafe while listening to Le Tigre sing Tres Bien. That'd didn't pan out.

There's that AppleInsider report on a new Apple patent. You know, the multi-point touch screen? Or, multi-touch, for short. See, you can use multiple fingers to touch different parts of the screen. A great new way to multitask, no? Simultaneously, you could use two fingers to scroll in that pink Cute Overload site, (come on, you know you check it,) while preserving your masculinity by going like stink in NASCAR 2002. Sadly, we really can't find more of an angle with this one. A shocker, I know.

Apple also released some software updates. Hmm. Big whoop? Yup. I mean, jeez...Front Row 1.2.2? Come on, Steve. It doesn't get any lamer than a x.2.2 release. That means you left out major features twice and then, after that, had to fix bugs twice. Did they forget to spell check? Was the Aperture team in charge?

Okay, now the crankies are setting in. Wait! The Contest! Get your scroll on and check it.

Here's how it works: send us an e-mail with "Hate Mail" in the subject line and how you want your name shown at the top, then just let 'er rip. Extra points for AtAT-style writing, you know, references to Phil Schiller's clothing, obscure shareware, Macs on fire, WB shows, etc. We'll post our favorites next Friday.

Of course, all submissions become ours and may be published, we reserve rights and stuff, don't use it to dump your imaginary girlfriend, yada yada yada.

Have a great weekend, we'll see you next week!

This treasure is not gold, lads. It be...thar G6! Narr, not a Pontiac, matey, thar computator! Aye, G6 computator, thar buxom beauty. It's not an Apple, but us lads'll say it is, and then we'll pocket all thar gold! Arrr, I must polish me treasure chest.

Here's how we swindle thar 'lubbers. Farst, we say it's got "Mac OSX-86 Apple MacOS X Tiger 10.4.3." Thar nerds eat this like they be thar bilge rats! Second, we say we throw in "QuartzExtreme-CoreImage," "Office2004." an' "PhotoShop9 Cs2" fer thar sticklars. Then, to seal thar deal with thar wenches, we say it's only 500 dollarrrs!

Now we've got thar gold, fer ar treasure chests, ar lasses, ar grog, an MacBook Pros fer everyone! Arrr!

A reasonable program, yes, until Apple went Scrooge McDuck and jacked up the price to 10 percent! Ooooh, snap! That'll show 'em who's boss. We say go Scandinavian and take it up to 60 percent! Whee!

Of course, this did not sit well with the DuPont Registry crowd at Bose, who, if anybody, know that it really sucks to be ripped off.

Now, Apple has reportedly capitulated, yanking the Made for Apple rate in favor of a flat $4 charge. This is absolutely fabulous news for vendors selling $400 speakers to owners of $200 iPods.

Unfortunately, the change will jack up the price of lower-priced accessories, including iPod undies, and this, conversely, could affect every single iPod user. First, the cost of cases will go up, as case makers require iPod undies to test their products. Next, prices will rise on FM transmitters, for the same reason. Before long, prices on every iPod accessory will go up and up until Steve finally acknowledges...iPod Accessory Crisis of 2006.

Apple, we beg you, change your policy so undie prices stay down. You've been warned.

With each pre-ordered album, iTMS shoppers were promised a special code allowing them to buy Chili Peppers concert tickets at Ticketmaster.com four days before they went on sale to the general public. With this, Apple yet again broke the Jobs-era Rule Number 1: don't promise.

Yesterday was the big day to buy tickets, but the fans didn't get their codes. Oops.

The most dangerous place anywhere in the country yesterday was between a Chili Peppers-loving nerd and the Apple Support Discussions page. Before being locked, the concert code thread balloned to 629 impassioned, emo-tearful rants on Apple's latest crime against humanity. It remains to be seen how many people now go out and buy Dells.

The only significant news was the adding of 16 Fox TV shows to iTunes, a completely pointless announcement since Gilmore Girls is not on Fox. Speaking of which...oh...my...gawd. Amy, we won't get over this for months.

The complete demelodramafication was no doubt caused by the aforementioned unannouncement of the MacBook. As we have now learned, the MacBook release was scuttled on Monday after Tim Cook skipped work to drive to Cancun in a Monster Miata. We'll now have to wait until next week for the announcement, regarding a product whose existence Apple has still not officially acknowledged. We know it's coming though. We just know.

We have since learned that AppleInsider, still a strong rumor site in its own right, was left out of ThinkSecret and MacRumors' day at the MacBook spa. A crushing double-diss by the anonymous sources, it was reportedly denied access to the MagSafe hot stone massage, then turned away again at the 13.3" cucumber facial. Thus, its reports have been tense and oily at best. That is, until yesterday.

With one foot, AppleInsider has kicked both sites in the junk: "...MacBook consumer notebooks may not turn up on Tuesday as several online reports and analysts have suggested, AppleInsider has learned..."

Not cool, man. Not cool. Nobody in their right minds would doubt the rumormongering authority of ThinkSecret, or the they-said-this authority of MacRumors. AppleInsider must have had a well-placed inside source to supplement their newfound cojones. In other words, us.

As we reported yesterday, the rumored MacBook release was in direct conflict with Apple Retail's release party for the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album Stadium Arcadium. Apparently facing the prospect of Phil Schiller getting pantsed by an enraged Anthony Kiedis, Apple has decided to hold off on their latest multimillion dollar product release for the time being. A sound decision, we say. Speaking of sound...

Today the decision, written by Mr Justice Anthony Mann and Sir Topham Hatt, came down. The ruling: Apple Computer, by selling millions of hits from such greats as Nick Lachey and Lil John, was in fact not in direct violation of its previous non-compete agreement with Apple Corps, a label with a handful songs from 40 years ago. (Ok, so the real reason had to do with something about data delivery vs. data creation, or habeas corpus, caveat emptor, zzzzzzzzzzz....)

Tomorrow never knows. Not one to shy away from a smugo-op, His Royal Steveness invited Apple Corps to come together with Apple Computer and sell Beatles songs on iTunes. Apple politely responded with an appeal. Get it? Apple...Appeal? You know...with a paring kni...nevermind.

At any rate, we think Apple Corps needs calm down. Whatever happened to imagining no possessions and giving peace a chance?

Oh right, that was after they broke up.

So according to fact, the new MacBook will sport a 13.3" widescreen, Intel Core Duo processors, will come in Fashionable Colors/Black and White, sport a magnetic latch, and will fold up its OLED screen to reveal a touchscreen smartphone.

We at AtAT2 would never publish unsubstantiated rumor and pass it on as fact, especially with the American McGee's Alice movie just around the corner. If these rumors prove false, it's only because His Steveness pulled the announcement at the last minute, having forgotten about his hair appointment. Yup, we're sticking with that.

We know what you're thinking: if Slashdot says MacBooks are coming out on Tuesday, it *has* to be true. Slashdot would never get something wrong. That said, we'd never want to overhype a true rumor, lest our AAPL stock tumble again, so we must give the coward the benefit of the doubt. Thus, we'll revise our analysis from the first half-hour as follows:

Ahh, what an expression of journalistic integrity! We have no idea why the Mainstream Mac Rumor Media still refuses to print the Red Hot Chili Peppers' side of the story. We say lay off the mini pizzas and Easy Cheese, guys.

Having cribbed for inspiration from back issues of AtAT and CARS, let's see what makes them inspiring troves of comedy:

"Overall it can't compare to 2002, when Steve Jobs once won five games of Klondike in a row and also found a whole box of raisins-- sealed-- just sitting in the parking lot of the Circle K, but from a monetary standpoint, 2005 definitely finishes ahead."

"According to sources, the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big that it can be easily bent by putting one end into a pair of vice grips and pulling very hard on the other end."

"Apple would not comment officially for this story, other than to confirm that it is switching to Windows."

"LaCie makes a fabulous mole trap that fits right in your unmentionables drawer!"

""And for the record," Jobs continued, "that was muenster and it was Iron Butterfly's In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.""

"And we predict that whoever invents and patents NetPinch™ will one day be rolling around naked on a big pile of cash."

"You know these things: Apple invites members of the press to some big, dark room and promises them a story so big it'll make the moon landing look like the three-day Sheboygan Clothespin Shortage of 1918."

I would quit now, but it took days to make this OS 9 stuff work.